


Shut Up, Dude.

by strideroar



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Blow Jobs, Dumb wizards sneaking out to have The Sex, Fluff, M/M, Potterstuck, Room of Requirement, also happen, and making loads of shitty jokes btw, blushes teehee, did i mention they have the sex bc they do, i guess, weird wizard lube as well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-21
Updated: 2014-04-21
Packaged: 2018-01-20 06:07:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1499486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strideroar/pseuds/strideroar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You know, speaking of my dick, it’s kind of cold. Mind if I warm it up in your hot ass?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shut Up, Dude.

**Author's Note:**

> a little prompt fill i did on tumblr for spooky aka tumblr user ectobiologay

Your name is John Egbert, and you’ve been staring up at this ceiling for hours. Three hours and twenty-two minutes, to be exact. You know this because you’ve kept glancing over at the watch Dad gifted you on your twelfth birthday, which is currently sitting on your bedside table.

After a moment of watching the second hand tick along, you let out a little breath and sit up, glancing over the other four-poster beds. Tavros is off snoring in the one at the furthest side of the room from you, completely bundled up under the quilt except for a single foot, dangling out over the edge. He’s the only one in your room you really talk to, everyone else you don’t really know all that well.

All your friends are in other houses. You’re still kinda sour about that.

You turn to lean down closer to the bedside table so you can actually make out what’s on your watch again. You let out another small sigh as you sit back up, running your fingers through your hair.

It’s okay if you’re a little early… right?

You look down at your glasses and wand on the table beside your watch. You gnaw a little on your bottom lip before mentally going ‘fuck it,’ and slipping on your glasses as you snatch your wand and hop out of bed. You make sure that you move quietly as you shuffle out of the room, carefully opening the circular door— only wide enough so you can make your way through— and closing it behind you.

“ _Lumos_ ,” You mutter under your breath, a hand cupped in front of the tip of your wand to try and lessen the amount of light. You know it’s possible to adjust how bright it is, but you’ve never really managed to get a hang of that. The light either goes out completely or it gets ridiculously bright and nearly sears your eyes right out of their sockets. Your Charms professor said it was just overzealousness or something.

You’ve always found it weird how you can be so kickass at Defense Against the Dark Arts, but something as simple as Charms has always caused you grief.

Whatever. Charms is dumb anyways.

You make your way through the tunnel back to the common room and almost instantly trip. You’re a little sluggish from lying down so long, trying to keep yourself from falling asleep, and you’ve managed to get your foot caught on the edge of a rug. You knock into a coffee table before you right yourself back onto your feet, letting out a little panicked swear.

You glance around nervously before a disgruntled sound catches your attention, and you turn to find the portrait of Helga Hufflepuff stirring, eyebrows furrowed together in agitation. When she peeks open her eyes, blinking blearily, you stand there like an idiot.

You give her a sheepish smile.

"Uh… yeah, sorry, I’ll just… yeah…" You point a thumb back over your shoulder as you attempt to shuffle back, but you bump into the same stupid coffee table, and you quickly turn to steady it before the potted plant on top of it can topple over.

"Goodness, Mr. Egbert, it’s past curfew." She mumbles tiredly behind you.

"Uh, well yeah but…" You adjust the plant, holding your hands out a bit as you take a step back to make sure it doesn’t suddenly just fall over or something.

"I mean, I got a… thing." You glance back at her, offering another little awkward smile as you keep moving backwards towards the exit.

"What do you mean, ‘you have a thing’?"

"Well it’s just, you know, a thing that I kind of have in my possession, you know it’s just—" You glance back at the round door when you reach it hand moving out to grab the handle before you look back over at the founder of your house.

"Please don’t tell Headmaster Scratch." You plead quickly.

She blinks a little.

"Well of course I have to tell him."

"Uh, right well— well okay, how about this? This is fair; you don’t tell him until morning. Great? Great." You give a quick thumbs up before turning back to open the door and start crawling through.

You wonder if that was rude? Yeah, you’re pretty sure it was rude.

… You’ll apologize some other time.

You hop out of the barrel, shutting the lid behind you before you’re hurrying down the corridor as quietly as you can manage. You contemplate briefly about maybe stopping to grab a bite to eat from the kitchens, but you shove the thought aside and keep going. Considering Noir’s usual schedule, you’re probably gonna have to hurry if you want to be able to slip past to the seventh floor corridor easily.

You hop up the stairs, carefully peaking around the corner of the doorway before quickly heading over to the big marble staircase leading up to the first floor, hand moving back over the tip of your wand so as to try and keep from waking the paintings as you pass. As cool as you think they are, they kind of get pretty loud and you really don’t wanna get caught. The last time that happened, Noir got all pissy and made you help him catalogue stuff he’d confiscated from other students.

Which was great, but he also caught you trying to take some peruvian instant darkness powder while you were at it, and then you were stuck cleaning bathrooms without any magic at all.

You gotta wonder who shoved a stick up his stinky butt.

You’re halfway up the third flight of stairs when they start to move, and you groan slightly as you lean against the railing.

"Every stupid goddamn time…" You sigh as the stairs settle into their new position, and start making your way up to the next floor.

Dave’s always hated these dumb stairs.

You manage to get to the seventh floor without much grief, and you’re heading towards the left corridor when you start to hear shuffling and grumbling over from the right. You quickly head off down the hall, hoping your footsteps aren’t as loud as you feel like they are. You skid over past the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy before backtracking to do it again, glancing nervously over at the opposite wall every now and then as you do because the shuffling and grumbling is kind of getting louder and you really, really don’t wanna clean bathrooms.

When the door finally appears, you let out a little breath and allow yourself a small smile before quickly heading over to slip inside and press your back against the door as it shuts, eyes closed as you desperately wish for the room to not allow anyone else in.

"Damn, did I miss the memo?"

Your eyes open, and your jaw almost instantly drops.

"Oh my god."

"Jesus, John, you should have told me if we were gonna go slumber party; now I feel overdressed."

"Why’re you— you’re early." You manage eventually, and Dave grins crookedly as he sits up, setting aside the book he was reading.

"Well yeah, I had to get here before you to get the room all snazzy like this."

Your cheeks flush a little because yeah, you kind of noticed the room was a little, uh…

"Why’re you still in your uniform?" You ask.

"Because I didn’t feel like wandering around the halls in my boxers."

You pull a little face, “You have roommates, dude.”

"Yeah, most of which sleep in just their boxers, too. Not all of us are still wearing jammies." He gestures for you to come over, and you let out a little breath as you mutter a little " _nox_ " and lower your wand as the light vanishes, shuffling your way over. He gets this dumb grin on his face when you sit down in his lap, and you nudge his shoulder a bit in retaliation because he can just shut up.

"They’re not jammies, asshole, they’re the clothes I sleep in." You mumble.

"AKA pajamas, AKA pj’s, also known as jammies."

His arms wrap around you as you roll your eyes.

"Yeah whatever. At least I’m not a huge cheese ball."

"Hey, I’m not any amount of cheese, much less in ball form."

"Oh really, Mr. Not-Cheese? What’s with the room?"

He turns to grin against your neck, arms squeezing momentarily around your waist.

"Okay, to be completely honest, I didn’t think it’d be this bad."

You snort out a little laugh, glancing around. The rooms dimly lit by loads and loads of candles, all of which are suspended in the air, turning very slowly in place as the flames flicker. Rose petals seem to adorn every surface; they’re all over the floor, the bed you and dave are currently on— even the two bedside tables and the shelf above the bed that has all these bottles and stuff on it. The bed itself is about three times as big as the four-poster bed back at your dorm room. The sheets aren’t anything fancy; just a plain white, but you figure that’s because of all of the stupid flower petals everywhere. Considering all of the dismembered roses everywhere, it’s not really all that surprising that the room smells like essence de rose.

"I mean, it’s not bad, you know, it’s just…" You glance up, and let out a little breath as you smile. "Well, that’s a nice touch."

It’s mimicking the ceiling in the great hall. A little version of the sky.

He looks up along with you, head leaning against yours.

"Yeah, I guess that is kinda nice." He says quietly, and you both sit there watching it for a moment before he lets out a quiet laugh and turns to look at you. "Kind of makes up for the floral vomit all over everything else"

You snicker, turning your attention back to him.

"Kind of."

You smile at each other kinda dumbly for a moment, noses almost touching. You wait for him to kiss you, and you find yourself smiling even more when he finally does, making it near impossible to really kiss him back until you eventually manage to rein yourself in.

It’s not a long kiss, or a deep one; he pulls back after a while, and you’re still a little too caught up in the kiss to lean back, and you slowly start smiling to yourself as your eyes flutter open a bit. He’s grinning at you, a dumb lovey dovey look on his face.

"Will it do?" He mumbles, red eyes watching yours carefully. He looks nice in candlelight, you note. His hair looks a little more golden, not as pale. His eyes almost look golden too, kind of like they have orange highlights of some sort.

His freckles stand out more against his pale skin in this light, too, and you find yourself splitting into a ginormous grin at that. You shift in his lap so that you’re facing towards him, knees on either side of him and your arms around his neck.

"Yeah," You say, almost laughing a bit. "This’ll do."

You lean into each other at the same time, his head moving left as yours goes right and you meet in the middle, lips parted just slightly. He lets out a gentle breath through his nose as you press closer, and you feel his lips turn up slightly at the corners. You move a hand up to gently cup his cheek, thumb gently rubbing circles against his cheek, your tongue gently moving out just slightly to sweep against his bottom lip. He laughs a little against you, a brief, happy sort of thing as he wraps his arms further around you into something kind of like a hug, pulling you back with him as he lays down against the bed. You find yourself splitting off into (extremely manly) giggles at the action, and he grins crookedly as he leans up to plant kisses all over your cheeks and chin and jaw as you do.

"No wait," He pulls back, still smiling a bit. "This could be easier."

"What’re you—" You get cut off as he rolls you over, his big dumb grin bigger than before as he situates his hands to either side of your head.

And then he’s kissing your face all over again and you start snickering again because it tickles and you’re also dumb but he’s definitely way, way dumber because he starts laughing a bit too.

"Yeah, man, this is a  _lot_ easier.”

"I didn’t— dude, no, don’t start again— I didn’t stay up this late to get kissed on the face, you giant butt— no—  _stop_ — hahaha, oh my god—”

"Oh," He pulls back, poorly suppressing a smile. " _Oh_ , I see how it is. I forgot that you’re all about business, Egbert.”

You bat lightly at his shoulder, snickering a bit.

"Wow, shut up."

"No, I don’t think I can. What with you being all about business, that means we gotta talk business, too."

You laugh more, “Dude, you don’t want me to talk business.”

"Oh yeah? Why not."

You grin before leaning up to press your lips against the shell of his ear. You give yourself a moment to make sure you don’t just burst out laughing.

"Do you want me to…" You need another moment, so you briefly lick your bottom lip as your lips tug further up.

"…  _Erecto your pink oboe_?”

"Oh, Jesus Christ." He laughs, putting a hand over your face to shove you away as you burst out into full on giggles.

“‘Pink oboe,’ holy shit.” He grins at you as you keep laughing, hand moved over your mouth to try and stifle it. “How about I  _engorgio_ your burrito?”

"My  _burrito_?” You start laughing harder.

"What? Had to rhyme." He says simply as he leans back in to continue kissing along your jaw, not quite as quickly as he had done before.

Your laughter slowly dies down, and then eventually you’re just smiling a bit as you watch Dave kiss down along your jaw to your neck, your head turning a little to the side to make it easier for him to do so.

"Shit," You mumble after a moment. He pauses to pull back a tiny bit so he can look up at you better. "I forgot to do my Potions homework."

"Are you seriously thinking about that now?"

"Sorry, I can’t really help it." You grin sheepishly at him.

"Yeah, whatever." He goes back to kissing your neck, mumbling against your skin, "Don’t worry too much about it. You’re pretty much failing that class, anyways."

You bat at him playfully, laughing slightly under your breath.

"Dick."

He bites down on your neck in retaliation, and your breath hitches a little bit despite yourself. He lets out a soft, amused little breath, always having been kind of smug about being able to abuse the sensitivity of your neck. Your hand moves to curl a bit in the front of his shirt to get him to do it again.

"Shut up." You mumble, but that only makes his lips tug further upwards as he goes to bite you again, a little harder. You hum, neck extending as his tongue gently moves out to lick along your skin, his teeth carefully unclamping from you. You let your eyes flutter shut, legs shifting a little so that your knees are raised off the bed just slightly. He adjusts his position as well, one leg moving in between yours, the other resting outside your left one. He slides his knee up to just barely press against your crotch, and you let out a tiny breath before pressing back.

"There’re some different kinds of lubes up on the shelf there if you wanna pick," He says against you, and you lean your head back against the bed more so you can glance over at the shelf. At the same time, Dave starts grinding his knee a little against you and you make a little sound before your face begins to pinken and you huff when you look back at him. He grins, raising his eyebrows a bit.

"What?"

"Oh, shut up." You grumble, scooching back a bit so you can prop yourself up, and Dave is nice enough to move so you can. You attempt to reach up to the shelf to grab a bottle and see, but in your current position it’s kind of difficult to do.

Dave snorts before reaching out to grab it for you instead, muttering a little “you fucking shorty” under his breath, even though that is totally not the reason why you couldn’t reach it, shut the fuck up, Dave.

He hands the bottle to you, and you blink a little at the label.

"Is this one of those weird wizard lubes?"

"Yeah, and they’re way fucking better than the muggle shit we’ve been using."

"Hey, I’ll have you know I spent good money on that muggle shit." You retort, glancing up from the bottle to shoot Dave a Look.

"Yeah, that’s all fine and dandy, but it’s still shit made by muggles. This stuff actually works."

You turn your eyes back down to the bottle.

"… why does it say tested and approved?"

"It’s like a potion, kinda. Does more than just slick you up and stuff."

"Uh huh… what are the other ones?"

"Well, they all basically do the same thing, some are just better at doing certain stuff than others. Like one is to make you more sensitive, you know, make things feel better."

"Oh jesus christ."

"Another makes it so you don’t even need to be stretched or anything—"

"Oh jesus fucking christ."

"— And then another is just for like dick pleasure."

"Could you at least be a little more subtle?"

"What, so I can preserve your oh-so innocent mind? Of course, John. How inconsiderate of me. It’s not like we’ve fucked like almost near constantly all year. Or like you asked me to tie you up that one time."

"No, oh my god, shut up." You’re beginning to blush.

"Or, you know," He continues. "Those fifty other times. And, you know, it’s not like you’re such a big homo that after you lost that quidditch match against me you got all angry and angrily made out with me—"

"Oh, god." Your blush worsens.

"— And then you used your angry mouth to angrily blow me."

"I really hate you sometimes."

He laughs a little before he leans in to kiss you, and you accidentally kiss him back despite the fact that you’re trying to be upset with him.

"Yeah, no you don’t." He says, taking the bottle from you to set it back in exchange for another one. Before you can see which one it is, though, he sets it on the side table and then he’s gone back to kissing you, free hand under your chin.

Your tongues move out to curl around each other at about the same time, heads tilting once more as Dave moves again to put his hands back on either side of your head as you lay back down on the bed. He eventually leans down further, shifting his weight from his hands to his forearms, on hand moving to gently brush his fingers against your cheek. You let out a small breath through your nose as he does, your heart starting to thud a little more in your chest when his hand slides down, lighting along your chest and side, just about to slip under your shirt when he pauses and instead pulls back a bit from the kiss, glancing down at his hand. You look down as well, letting out a little breathy almost-laugh when you see it’s your wand.

"Oh yeah." You go, grinning a little. "I always forget about that."

"Dude, helpful tip for aspiring wizards," He holds the wand up in front of your face, amused little tug in his lips. "Don’t forget about your wand."

You snort, rolling your eyes as he reaches over briefly to set the wand on the bedside table before his attention returns to you.

"Unless you want it to snap from rigorous fucking." And he leans back in to kiss you right as you start laughing, making it so he can only peck you once on the lips before he has to go to kissing down your chin and along your jaw, a soft laugh escaping him when you accidentally let slip a giggle snort.

"Oh baby, I wanna hear you do that some more." He drawls, and you poorly stifle another laugh.

"You really should not be allowed to talk when we’re trying to get it on."

"Oh,  _I_ shouldn’t be allowed to talk? Says you.”

"Yeah, says I." You snicker, and he rolls his eyes a bit as he moves up again to press his lips to yours once more.

"Shut up," He mumbles against you, and you laugh a tiny bit more before forcing yourself to calm down so you can kiss him back properly.

His tongue moves first this time, sweeping out against your lips before you move your tongue out to meet it, a little breath puffing out of your nose as he shifts closer, chest pressing slightly against yours and his hand finally making it’s way under your shirt and lighting up along your side before settling on your waist as his other hand moves up, fingers curling in his hair. He presses his lips more firmly to yours, head tilting to the side slightly as he moves his tongue into your mouth, briefly sweeping up along your teeth before you start to suck on it as he moves it back slightly, causing his grip to tighten in your hair and you to make a short little sound.

As his chest presses a little more against yours, lips working effortlessly against yours, you move a hand to the back of his head to keep him close, and the other you snake down to his crotch, gently starting to palm him through his pants, causing him to pull back a bit from the kiss to gasp softly.

“Duro,” You say before you can help it, and he bursts out laughing briefly before he quickly stifles it, turning to bury his face against your neck as he snickers. You grin triumphantly to yourself before you keep moving your hand against him, and his laughter stutters slightly before he bites down on your neck and you inhale sharply.

Touché, Dave.

He moves his knee up again, grinding it against you as you palm at him. You hum, your body relaxing more against his. His hand slips further up, sliding over to light up along your chest, pushing your shirt up further as he slowly stops biting your neck to suck and lick at it. Your breathing gets heavier, chest starting to heave a little more as he keeps moving his knee against you, keeps licking his tongue along you, and starts to tug your shirt up. You let out a tiny sound along with a breath before you pull your hands back from Dave to try and help him get you out of your shirt. He pulls back after a moment when he gets what you’re doing, letting you shift so you can more easily tug it off. You pause for a moment in hesitation about what to do with your shirt, but Dave rolls his eyes and snatches the shirt from your hands to toss it over his shoulder before grinning crookedly as he leans back down to kiss you again.

Always with the kissing.

You smile inwardly so you can actually kiss him back, which is something you seem to almost constantly have to do.

You move your hands to starts unbuttoning Dave’s shirt, your hips rolling back against his knee to keep the friction going. He eventually picks up on the pattern and starts grinding his knee up against you with every movement of your hips before he shifts so his legs are on either side of you and you can instead move your hips against each other. You momentarily grip at either side of Dave’s shirt mid-unbutton, needing a moment to kiss Dave harder in thanks for the new position. He laughs against you, an airy note in his voice because he’s obviously getting hard, too.

You mean you’re kind of rubbing your clothed dicks together. Not too hard to miss the growing tent in his pants. But hey, you’re a good friend, and friends help other friends pitch their tents, right?

You grip tighter still at Dave’s shirt, pulling back slightly from the kiss so you can easily roll and switch positions with Dave. He adjusts quickly to the position, hands foregoing being gentlemanly and going straight for your ass as he starts to lean up to kiss you again.

But you move a hand up to briefly curl your fingers in his hair and tug his head to the side so you can start kissing at his jaw, licking down the side of his neck, and biting down when you force his shirt open, a few buttons flying off with the action. You hear Dave’s breath hitch, feel his hands grip onto you a bit tighter, and it encourages you as you unlatch your teeth from him and keep migrating lower, kissing and sucking and trailing your tongue against his skin and enjoying the way his breath sounds when he’s obviously trying to hold back any sort of noise.

As you move lower, his hands let you slide under them until eventually your mouth is working along the top of his hip and his fingers are curled in your hair, tugging lightly whenever your teeth scrape against him. Your fingers hook into the top of Dave’s pants, slowly tugging them down as you keep kissing and licking, planting one kiss right below his navel before you pull back to tug his pants down more.

He’s wearing his record boxers. Score.

You glance up briefly to get a look at his face, and you feel your own face start to heat up a little more at the calm lidded gaze he’s aiming your way. His fingers gently card through your hair, his chest rises and falls with every breath, and the corner of his lips tugs upwards as an eyebrow does as well.

"What? I’m not gonna stop you."

"Oh, shut up." You mumble as you lean down to press your lips against the skin just above the hem of his boxers.

"No, you shut up and put my dick in your mouth."

You lean back up, “Oh, well if you’re gonna be like that I guess I’ll just leave your dick mouthless.”

"Oh dude, come on— I take it back, please blow my beef whistle."

"Oh, ew— call it something different and you got yourself a maybe."

"My middle stump?"

"Oh god, no."

"You don’t want to investigate my private eye?"

"That doesn’t even make sense, the private eye investigates the—"

"Play my skin flute?"

"Stop, you’re killing my boner."

"So you have no interest in my meter long king kong dong?"

"And it’s dead."

He laughs a little bit, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.

"Okay, okay, I’m sorry. Please suck my dick?"

You grin a little, rolling your eyes.

"Fine. But you better behave yourself," You warn, leaning down to move your lips around his clothed dick. He snickers, going back to methodically running his fingers through his hair as you move your tongue out to press against him through his boxers.

"What, you gonna bite my dick off if I don’t?" He asks amusedly.

You pause and he does, too.

"… Please, don’t bite off my dick."

You snicker before you go back to mouthing at him through his boxers, trailing your tongue along his length and sucking lightly. You feel a tug of satisfaction when you feel his dick throb a bit, his fingers pulling slightly at your hair, and you hear a shaky little exhale.

It’s the little victories.

You bring a finger up to hook in the hem of his boxers, slowly starting to tug them down as you keep sucking before you lean back slightly so you can completely tug them down, Dave shifting so you can get them off along with his pants. You take a leaf out of Dave’s book and just toss them wherever, not feeling ballsed enough to set them down nicely anywhere.

"Eager now, aren’t w—"

You shut him up by gently settling your fingers along the base of Dave’s dick so you can more easily trail your lips along the side of it, lips parted just ever so slightly so you’re sure he can feel your breath.

His fingers curl tightly in your hair as your tongue slowly eases out to stroke up to his tip, pausing briefly to kiss at it, licking your lips to rid them of his pre-cum, before you pull back only to part your lips further and carefully take the head of his cock into your mouth. His legs twitch a bit and he lets out a little breath, which you turn into more of a moan when your tongue sweeps along his slit.

His sounds are always soft and breathy, and most of them tend to just catch in his throat, a little brief note of them barely escaping. You love those sounds, love how they’re much more subtle than the obnoxious ones that leave you.

His fingers start to card through your hair as you slide him into your mouth, your ears straining to hear every heavy breath that escapes Dave.

You breathe out through your nose to keep yourself calm as you ease him in. You’re just a little past halfway down his dick, tongue pressing flat up against the underside of his shaft, when you feel him throb and you let out a little groan around him. His breath quite audibly stutters and he forfeits moving his fingers through your hair to instead grip at it, his hips twitching in a very, very encouraging manner.

You suck, hollowing your cheeks and letting your eyes flutter shut as you pull back slightly, tongue stroking gently against him before you ease up and slide him back into your mouth, moving a little further down and moaning lightly in the back of your throat when he lets out a soft sound of his own.

You bob your head, taking him in just a tiny bit more every time you take him further into your mouth. You tighten your grip slightly on his hips every time you feel him throb or whenever he makes one of those little sounds of his. His fingers start working through your hair once more when you find a rhythm, and he lets slip a soft moan when you ease down and almost completely take him into your mouth. You let out a sharp breath through your nose, barely stifling a groan as you pull back a little before taking him back in again.

So you sort of have a thing for stuff in your mouth, whatever. Dave has a thing for frilly panties and cross-dressing. Shut up.

You think there's some saliva dripping out the corner of your mouth as you keep bobbing along him, tongue stroking and cheeks hollowing-- yeah, you're not too occupied with the potential drooling thing.

You pull back again, sucking on his head as your tongue sweeps out against him and when he lets out a groan, you decide you can't take it any longer and quickly move a hand down to palm at yourself, moaning against him for a moment in relief before you kiss at his head and down along the side of his shaft.

You hear a breathy, “Hey,” and you glance up at him as you slow the hand working against yourself to a stop, lips still parted slightly against his dick. His lips tug upwards a bit, and you notice his mouth is open so he can pant gently.

You’re glad he appreciates how much you like sucking dick, or else you might be a hell of a lot more embarrassed about it.

“You’re making me jealous of my dick, dude.”

You let out a little laugh as you pull back a bit, and one of his hands moves down to your cheek.

“C’mere,”

You poorly hold back a smile as you move up, hands on either side of him. He snorts a little, his thumb moving to wipe at—yep, you totally drooled a bit. Great.

He sweeps his thumb aside so he can lean up and kiss you, and you manage to kiss him back for a moment before you start snickering.

“What?” He mumbles, pulling back ever so slightly from the kiss as his eyes open along with yours.

“You know what I love about you, Dave?” His eyebrow raises a bit, and you need another moment to laugh more before continuing, “You’re just so eager to get your mouth on mine after it’s been on your dick.”

He rolls his eyes a little, a little smirk working its way onto his face.

“Oh yeah, you caught me. I’m just so jealous of the fact that you get to suck my dick. What I wouldn’t give for that honor,” and he snorts a bit before kissing you lightly and mumbling against you, “No, I just get jealous of how much you seem to be enjoying yourself.”

Your cheeks start to heat up more.

“Wow, shut up.”

“How about you make me?” He murmurs back as his hands move down from your hair and face, getting another quiet little laugh out of you.

That is, until his hands are on your lower back and sliding down to your ass. His little smirk gets bigger.

“You know, speaking of my dick, it’s kind of cold. Mind if I warm it up in your hot ass?”

“No,” You answer after a moment, eyes unwavering from Dave’s. “No, I do not.”

He snorts again, resting his head back against the bed as you sit up to start working on the button and zipper of your pants, “Wow, not even gonna give me a dumb reply?”

“Dude, how many times do I have to tell you to shut up?” You say as you undo the button and yank down the zipper.

“Apparently more than how many you’ve already told me.” He replies, his hands moving to help you get your pants off along with your boxers. You shift a little off of him to make it easier, and then you’re both butt-naked except for—

You tug at the sleeves of his open button-down shirt, and he gets the message after a moment and leans up a bit so he can take it off and toss it to who the fuck knows where.

And then he quickly moves his hands down to your waist so he can more easily flip you over to switch your positions once more.

“There,” He breathes out, head down so your noses are almost touching and his hair is brushing lightly against your forehead. “Much better.”

You start kissing each other again, eyes—as always—fluttering shut as your lips meet. Your heads tilt at almost the same time, and when he nibbles a bit at your bottom lip to coax out a sound of you, you both start to roll your hips.

Your hands move to his hips, blunt nails digging in slightly as you press your lips harder to Dave’s, the force of which moves Dave’s head back briefly before he presses back with equal if not more fervor, his tongue slipping past your lips to map out your mouth as your tongue does its best to stroke and curl around it. His arms shift as he adjusts himself to better support himself over you, one hand moving so his fingers can curl in your hair and the other going to just gently brush his fingers along your neck. You let out little puffs of air through your nose as you grind against each other, eventually letting out a little gasp when he moves against you a certain way and canting your hips up quickly to keep the friction going but the action leads to you and Dave knocking your teeth together lightly.

He pulls back to laugh a bit, but you choose to ignore him in favor of tightening your grip on his hips so you can bring them down better against yours. His laugh gets cut off by a gasp and then a low hum, his forehead resting against your shoulder as he focuses on grinding back against you.

He lets out a few heavy breaths after a moment before he turns to bite down on your neck, coaxing a sharp moan out of you before it melts into something more like a hum. He starts sucking after a moment, tugging on your hair to move your head further to the side to give himself more room before his other hand slides down your side, resting on your waist.

He bites and sucks and licks at your neck a moment longer, drawing out a whole mess of sounds from you, before he kisses his way up your neck along your jaw and then he’s back at your lips, making a small sound in the back of his throat when your tongues move out together.

You suck in breaths through your nose, head tilting a little as he kisses you. You work your mouths against each other for a moment before Dave pulls back slightly and rushes out a little, “Hold up.”

He leans back, quickly reaching over towards the side table to grab the bottle of lube. He takes a brief moment to peck your lips once more, before he moves back and uncaps the lube. You shift slightly so you can lift your knees off of the bed and make it easier for Dave as he drizzles lube onto his fingers. You pant as you watch him, swallowing slightly at the strange almost luminescent color of the lube.

“You uh… you sure this stuff works?”

“John, they manufacture this shit at frightening levels; if it didn’t work, the company would be sued nine times over onto its ass and fucked mercilessly into the ground dry.” He snaps back quickly, and you almost laugh because he’s turned on and frustrated that he’s not already fucking you.

Anticipation is a bitch, you guess.

He shifts a little closer to you, lube-free hand moving to hold lightly under your thigh up by your knee as he reaches down and gently circles his fingers around your entrance to spread the lube. You suck in a breath, not because it’s cold or anything, but because it feels fucking weird.

Dave pauses.

“… You okay?”

“I—I think so?” You say, the flush in your cheeks getting a little deeper because he’s there with his fingers close to being up your ass and asking you if you’re okay god dammit this is like your first time all over again. “Is it… is it supposed to kind of, like… tickle?”

“Oh—yeah, uh, should have probably mentioned it would probably feel funky. You still alright, though?”

You nod as you bite your lip, shifting a little again before Dave goes back to his ministrations.

You sort of wonder after a moment of him simply circling your entrance if he’s ever going to actually stick his fingers in your ass, when he pulls back briefly to slick his fingers with more lube, and then promptly shoves four straight the fuck in. You get ready to yell out in surprise and pain, but instead what escapes you is what can only be described as a confused moan.

“Oooh my god, what the fuck—“ You cut yourself off when you almost moan again, but you just barely manage to stifle it as he draws his fingers out and starts drizzling lube on his dick, his breaths a little heavy as his fingers stroke along himself to spread the strange substance.

“D-Dave, what about the—the condom?” You manage to ask, and he shifts closer, wiping lube onto the bed sheets before his hands are on your hips.

“Don’t need it,” He replies simply, and your eyebrows furrow a bit.

“What do y—“

“Magic lube.” He interrupts you, and you make a small almost squeaking sound when you feel him against your entrance.

“That sounds like a shitty excuse to—“

“Dude, I wouldn’t fucking fuck you if there was even the slightest chance of me fucking giving you a motherfucking sexual disease now shut the fuck up and let me fuck you already.”

You go quiet for a moment.

“… Well fuck, if you’re gonna be like that.” You reply jokingly, but your joking mood gets cut off quite suddenly when he pushes into you and your eyes flutter as you let out a groan and drop your head back against the bed.

You hear a choked little, “fuck” and if you could get any words out of your mouth, you’re pretty sure that’d be the first one to go.

“It—it feels like I don’t fuck you like every night.” He almost laughs out, his hands gripping your hips tighter. You would usually snap something back to him, or at least tell him to fucking shut up already, but you’re extremely preoccupied.

Your fingers curl into the sheets of the bed, basically panting with your eyes closed and your back almost arching a bit off the bed.

You have never experienced Dave’s dick in such fucking detail you think you are going to die.

Sensitivity is going to kill you.

It’s suddenly like you’ve never done this before. You’re still kind of gasping for breath and when he moves just the slightest bit, a short breathy moan slips past you.

There’s no initial pain, no time needed to adjust, he’s just there and he’s so warm and he fills you up just right and you can feel every little pulse, every little throb, even the twitch of his fingers against your hips and the way his breath moves his body ever so slightly because it’s so deep and heavy and you can’t seem to remember exactly where you are, and if you actually _have_ done this before because honestly you really don’t have any goddamn idea at this point.

It feels way too different from whatever the fuck you and Dave were doing before to even remotely constitute as the same thing.

You’re brought out of your strange daze by breathy laughter, and you swallow before refocusing your gaze on Dave, who’s got a little crooked grin on his face.

“Wrapped your head around it yet?”

“No, but—I mean I—I wrapped my mouth around the h-head of your dick not too long ago, so that—I think that sort of covers me, right?”

“Not even a little bit,” He replies.

You open your mouth to say something but only a gasp manages to escape you because he pulls back slightly, and soon enough is bringing your hips down onto him as he rolls his hips towards you again. You let out a little breath that may or may not be more like a whine than anything else, and it coaxes him to do it again.

You huff, hands gripping tighter onto the sheets before you push back against him, trying to get him to stop torturing you with useless bullshit because you actually _can_ skip past the slow build up with this weird wizard stuff and Dave just is fucking with you because he likes watching you squirm, the _dick_.

His breath hitches a little when you shift against him before he lets out an almost laugh, obviously amused at you for already being so goddamn antsy, but that motherfucker probably knows perfectly well that this weird ass stuff up your butt that isn’t his dick is making you metaphorically experience this stereo.

Like holy _shit_.

“Dave, you stupid piece of—of stupid—fuck, you stupid fuck—”

“I’ve always enjoyed how well you’re able to articulate yourself when we do this.” He says, actually stopping his actions to do so. You nearly yell at him, the _asshole_ , but you bite your tongue momentarily because you’re not gonna let him win so easily.

“Yeah, well your speech seems to be—fairly strained, too.”

“Oh please, John, we’ve just started. Only _amateurs_ get worked up over this.”

“Oh my god, shut up.” You groan, though it nears on a whine as you press against him again. “Just fuck me properly, you uptight stinky assfuck.”

“Uh, actually,” He laughs a little, hands moving from your hips so he can instead shift forward, adjusting your position so your legs lift up just a little more and wrap around him. His hands keep him propped up on either side of your shoulders, and you let out a little shaky breath when he stops moving again. “I’m kind of fucking your uptight stinky ass right now, so—“

“Can you please just shut u—” You cut yourself off with a high pitched breathy gasp when he rocks his hips again, a sound that doesn’t improve the state of your already pretty flushed face. You want to snap at him to wipe that dumb smug smile off of his face, but this time he doesn’t draw anything out and repeats the action, slowly building up a pace that makes you quickly forget that you were ever irritated at all in the first place.

He lowers himself down a bit to press his lips to yours, shifting his weight from his hand to his elbow so he can pluck your glasses—your glasses, oh god, you forgot you were even still wearing them—off of your face. Your hands unlatch from the bed sheets so you can instead briefly trail one hand along the arm placing your glasses wherever, up to his shoulder and down his back, your other hand already on his lower back, nails digging in a tiny bit as you kiss him back.

He lets out a small breath through his nose as your nails drag slightly along his skin, his arms shifting their positions once more and then his chest is pressing lightly against yours just so that you’re arching up into him for more contact.

Every movement of his hips causes your heart to thud harder, your hands to grip tighter, your lips to press a little less confidently against Dave’s until he thrusts into you a little harder and your mouth becomes slack as a moan falls from you. He has to pull back from your lips, but he seems to refuse to leave his lips from you entirely as his hand tugs at your hair to tilt your head to let him more easily kiss from your mouth to your jaw and further down to your neck.

He kisses and sucks and licks and sometimes you feel his mouth part against you so he can pant lightly or let out one of those treasured, quiet, choked sounds.

You always respond to them in kind.

When he bites down on you, he thrusts in harder, farther, finding that one magical fucking spot and causing your lips to part more and your eyes to flutter as a shock of pleasure rolls up your spine and escapes out of your mouth as a near obscene moan. You almost claw at his back, arching further against him and leaning your head up to hide your face against his neck as your moan trails off into a whine.

You’ve never felt so hot and sensitive and your eyes—oh god, you think your eyes started to tear up a bit.

“Dave—” You let out another little cry when he does it again, his breath hot against your skin and a sound catching in his throat as he holds onto you tighter; his hands are hooking back to grip onto your shoulders, pulling you down onto him slightly with every movement of his hips.

You whimper and hide your face further against him as he starts reconstructing his rhythm, knees going weak with every stronger thrust and yes, yes your eyes are most definitely tearing up as you cry out and grip onto him near desperately oh god—oh _god,_ you didn’t know it could feel like _this,_ this is almost worthy of driving someone _insane_.

“D-Dave, c—” You pause to gasp, nails dragging again and causing Dave to groan against you. “I—I n-need to—”

He lets out a short breath before he starts working his lips more steadily against your neck, and you’re thankful that he seems to understand because you’re pretty damn sure it would have taken you a while to get your request out of your mouth otherwise. He leans back a little bit, the rhythm of his thrusts stuttering momentarily so he can move a hand down to wrap around your extremely neglected dick.

You let out a gaspy moan when his thumb smooth’s over the head of your cock, spreading the pre-cum before he pumps you a couple times in time with the rocking of his hips.

Your breath stutters, head dropping back against the bed before you groan briefly, only to cut yourself off with a louder, sharper sound as he hits your prostate again.

You desperately roll your hips back against Dave’s, little breaths and sounds constantly slipping past you. His touch has always been hot when you’ve done this, but fuck it’s never felt this electric.

“D—fuck, _fuck_ , Dave, I—I don’t kn—”

He thrusts in again, cutting you off as you choke on another moan. He pants out against you before dragging his lips along your skin and up by your jaw, stopping to bite lightly before sucking and licking and nearly making it impossible for you to breathe.

Your fingers curl into Dave’s hair and you bite down on your bottom lip to try and keep yourself at least a _little_ under control. You huff out breaths through your nose, cheeks flushed and hair in even more disarray than usual.

Dave suddenly stops working his lips against you after a moment, his movements slowly as he does. You whine a little in protest to this, eyes fluttering open—you’re not really aware as to when they even shut—to try and see why he’s deciding to be such a dick now.

“You know I hate when you do that,” He murmurs, red eyes trained onto yours.

Your eyebrows twitch together in confusion, chest still heaving. He shifts a little to bring his free hand up so he can gently sweep his thumb along your bottom lip.

“Let go,” He mumbles, and your eyebrows near instantly relax at the way too familiar command as you stop biting your lip.

You pant slightly, still watching him carefully as he starts to smile and leans towards you again, hand dropping from your face.

“Good boy,” He says quietly before his lips press to yours, and you let out a little puff of breath through your nose as your eyes flutter shut once more.

His movements build again after that as your tongues curl and tangle, your grip tightening in Dave’s hair. The kiss occasionally gets interrupted whenever you gasp or moan or do most of anything honestly, but Dave doesn’t seem to care at all. Quite the opposite really.

His little sounds are slowly becoming more frequent and less muffled, and eventually your lips are only just barely brushing against each other as you both pant and gasp.

He tries to kiss you some more, and you desperately try to kiss back, but you think you’re reaching your limit because you have to pull back after just a second to pant more before moaning once, and then again, louder, when he hits you _just right_ —

“I—I’m—D- _Dave_ —”

He moans softly, his forehead dropping to your shoulder as he starts working his hips faster, more erratically, his hand mimicking the sudden change in pace.

Your sounds quickly become less like sounds and more like breathy gasps and pants as you tug lightly on his hair and dig your blunt nails into him and rock into his every movement as best you can, head dipped back with your eyes shut and lashes fluttering against your cheek with almost every thrust.

“Fuck, fuck—” You gasp out before you pant some more for air. “ _Fuck_ —”

He pumps you once, twice more, and then your vision goes white and you’re arching and your toes are curling and you’re not quite sure, exactly, but you’re pretty damn sure you scream.

He finishes as you near the end of your orgasm, and the feeling causes a breathy gasp to escape you, though you’re not even fully aware of it happening because you’re in such a dazed out state of bliss that most everything is static to you.

You just barely manage to feel him pull out of you, and you let out a tiny weak sound when he does before you drop your hands from him and almost go completely limp.

Oh god, you’re exhausted. You think you’re just gonna fucking pass out right there.

Holy _shit_.

You vaguely feel him kiss the side of your head before he curls around you. You mumble tiredly, blindly moving your arms to weakly wrap around him again and pull you closer so that you’re buried against him.

“You know… you know I heard one time, one of the failed tests for this one… this one lube company… the guy’s dick bit the… bit the other dude’s ass.”

You’re too tired to laugh, but your lips tug upwards.

“Dude.” You muffle into him. “Shut up.”

**Author's Note:**

> this has severely tempted me to write more potterstuck oh dang
> 
> tumblr mirror in case you want it: http://stridipshit.tumblr.com/post/83393358288/breathes-in-sharply-prompts-u-say-then-what-abou


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